Sunday, July 31, 2005

Jewish Intermarriage

I think the title is stark. I wanted something more provocative, as if the title weren't provocative enough. Or bleak. Or a dirty pairing of words.

Halachah (Jewish religious law) dictates that one Jew can only marry another Jew, and only if both Jews are halachically legitimate. This means that, in one interpretation, most Orthodox Jews cannot marry a non-Orthodox convert, because O rabbis do not recognise the legitimacy of non-O rabbis. A halachically legitimate Jew is one who was born to a Jewish mother, and also means an Orthodox Jewish convert; yet it also means a Conservative convert, yet one who would not be recognised by most of Orthodoxy (thanks to their rabbis); while a Reform convert, usually would not be recognised by the other two movements. Marriage and conversion seem to be seminal signposts for Jewish identity and "survival".

Where faith and religion fit, is another question. Amazing, if you think about it, since Jewishness is based on Torah, which sounds a wee leetle bit, like a religious thing. And yet, it seems that often, the idea of religion takes a back seat to bigotry (via Jewlicious). Or perhaps devotion to a Jewish G-d doesn't matter, as much as your pedigree.

I think that this is the dilemma. There are Jews who just want to ensure the survival of the Jewish people. And there are Jews who want to connect "religiously". And there are Jews who just want to connect religiously. Of course, there are always the Jews who don't want to connect on any terms but their own.

Regarding, "religiosity". The former want to connect with the rules, and the latter want to connect with faith, where belief is integral.

I place myself in the latter category. I keep wondering, what would it take, for a man to attract me? A beshert. A friend. Would it suffice, if he were a dyed in the wool, got the papers, Jew, who never or infrequently goes to shul and rarely gives tzedakah? And even if he did, would that be enough? What about the Jew who doesn't care about shul but gives generously to the community? What about the Jew who does not see his Jewishness as more than a nonsensical, huh?...label?

As a female, I am privileged because my babes would be Jewish (for argument's sake). Actually, I am waiting for the day that the Conservative movement finds a halachic interpretation that renders all Jewish males, Jewish progenitors. Meanwhile...

I was thinking about my closest friend, L. She is not Jewish. I think she has a Buddhist soul.

When I roomed with her, given that the space was hers, this is what happened, with her blessing: I slapped a mezuzah on the doorway; there was Jewish art on the wall; my rather copious set of Jewish books resided on a living room cabinet. I brought in people who needed a place to rest for Yom Kippur during the break. She knew where I went and what I did, Jewishly, and we talked about it. She attended shiurim (classes) along with me, as well as community dinners. She was at my Beit Din, and she watched me dance with the Torah.

I lit Shabbat candles, and she chanted the English. We went to synagogue together on many Friday nights. She didn't attend on Saturdays but she drove me to morning minyan, waking at 6 am to do it, an awakening that normally would kill her. On the festivals, she was there to witness the blessings. She recognised the importance. I remember Chanukah especially, because we would say the blessings and watch the candles flame in the face of the Christmas lights over there. She kept my dessicated lulav and etrog, and the case I carried the former in.

She watched me chant Torah for the very first time. She read the prayers for my mikvah immersions to help in healing me from terrible trauma. She placed her hand on the sofer's hand in beginning the scribing of a new Torah scroll. What a cool moment!!! She bought me the most gorgeous tallit for my birthday.

When we speak about my personal issues, she is the one who puts a Jewish spin on it, and sometimes it irks me to hell. For many Shabbats, we sat on the balcony reading Torah-like stuff. She drove me to all J events. She made sure I was there on time. She joined me in some. When I needed to do chesed, she helped me. At temple, L was considered a part of it all. More than one person came up to her and asked her why she didn't convert to Judaism, cause they thought of her as so much a Jew.

Okay, a religious Jew, but clearly not in the halachic DNA. It was more than just love. She was interested, involved. It all did something for her. It mattered.

Yet I can marry a born Jew, who couldn't give a flying leap about being Jewish, or the guy who doesn't even know what it means to be a Jew (and I have met them). And I can convert according to the religious aspect and marry a Jew who couldn't care less about the religious aspect and Torah and no one has to know, and some who couldn't care less about Jewish survival. Or I can meet the Jew who loves Torah and Judaism for its own sake, as I do. I figure that's pretty rare.

I can be blessed with the likes of my beloved friend, L, who understands and somehow is involved. It reminds me of X, who was married to A for several years before he was moved to convert. What helped convert him? A man who now is a dynamic force in the synagogue, bringing Jews closer to the Torah? His daughter, who was raised Jewishly, fiercely so, and whom he later marked as an impetus for his conversion- "when I look at you I know there is a G-d".

So, what does it come down to? The halachic Jew, from no matter what stream, who meets the criteria, or the person of faithfulness and understanding- I know it sounds so Christian. I also do know that, Z, and her husband Anth, also embody that anomalous mix, just like L and me. Ask her: Matzah and Marinara.

Bottom line, I find myself saying, I would take the person of faithfulness who can relate. Period. Because some people are more Torah-like in their living than born Jews, even "religious" Jews. And, yeah, that does matter.



11 Comments:

Blogger BarbaraFromCalifornia said...

'There are Jews who want to insure the survival of the JEwish people, and there are Jews who want to connect religiously.And of course, there are Jews who do not want to connect on any terms but their own."

Beautiful and provocative post. I especially like the words you write above. As you know, one of my motives on coming to blogsville was to try to expand my Jewish life since I do not live in a Jewish neighborhood. There were many who did not want to connect with me at all, and in fact,no matter what I said, in any form, there was a negative spin put upon it by one or more people. People have a right to believe and practice what they choose, but it is not necessary to express their feelings so negatively all of the time. This creates dissent among us rather than unity.

Now that I am thinking about the destruction of the Temple issue, and how Jews were fighting each other, I can honestly see this trend happening again, perhaps with a gentler hand, but words, not swords are the weapons of choice.

You write and express yourself so beautifully, barefoot Jewess. I am happy to have found your blog.

Mon Aug 01, 06:19:00 am  
Blogger Unknown said...

THIS.WAS.EXQUISITE.

Mon Aug 01, 07:28:00 am  
Blogger Soferet said...

BS"D
Why don't you call the title of this post "Shikses aren't so Bad" or "Embrace the Stranger".
;+>
Sorry if that comes off as inappropriately irreverent, it's because I just came off 10 daze of Kallah & am now in for a week at Elat Chayyim...

Mon Aug 01, 08:16:00 pm  
Blogger Eliyahu said...

Barefoot, another thoughtful, well written post. may you be blessed to know your besherte, and may it be soon! oh, and did i mention it looks like he needs to love cats, as well?

Tue Aug 02, 05:29:00 pm  
Blogger Judith said...

I always thought I would relate better to someone who practises SOME religion (as long as he likes Jews in general) than a born Jew who who won't set foot in a synagogue.

I am now dating a Jew who likes going to shul so it isn't an issue, thank God.

Tue Aug 02, 05:43:00 pm  
Blogger Barefoot Jewess said...

Thank you all very much!

Anth, I think what makes you bashert is that you are not uninvolved- you and Z share something that matters to your family. My ex didn't care that I was into Judaism. He never inquired. He would not stop me, but for him it would be as if I acquired another hobby. And it wasn't as if he believed in G-d; it didn't concern him one way or the other whether there even was a G-d. Of course, by that time our marriage had broken down anyway.

judith,
I would want the best of all possible worlds, that he be Jewish and devoted to some degree. Or he would be like my friend, whether Jewish or not.

eliyahu! Hey, I thought you were gone from the blogosphere. Your comment made me laugh and your wishes made me smile. Thank you! Not looking for a bashert right now. Still doing work on myself and am not really bashert material at the moment. glad to see you drop by!

Wed Aug 03, 10:06:00 am  
Blogger Chana said...

I think you might like, or at least be interested by this article by R' Meir Soloveitchik on the principle of matrilineal descent. If that link doesn't work, you can copy and paste this:

http://www.azure.org.il/magazine/magazine.asp?id=252&search_text=

I found it to be very intriguing.

Thu Aug 04, 06:05:00 pm  
Blogger Esther Kustanowitz said...

(Forgive the verbosity, but this is a reconstruction of a comment that was lost...)

I've often wondered for myself when, if ever, would it become okay for me to date someone who isn't Jewish; since I'm not having such great luck intradating, maybe it would be easier to interdate, at least for a while.

I never actually dated someone who wasn't Jewish. But there have been a few times when I met men who were of a temperament and humor that interlocked with mine and it made me want to. On the other hand, I've been out with Jewish men who were "less Jewish" in some ways than the non-Jews were.

And that's when I realized that although I could try to interdate-dating non-Jews and non-traditional Jews-- I was never going to be happy unless I was with someone who shared my love for and appreciation of Jewish life. Every step I take in my life is a Jewish one, and I can't escape that even if I wanted to. Which sometimes I do. But I need the common ground to build on. So not only can't I date non-Jews, but there's an ever-increasing pool of Jewish men I can't date either. Who says being single isn't an adventure?

Shabbat shalom!

Fri Aug 05, 04:55:00 pm  
Blogger Barefoot Jewess said...

TM's (Jewlicious) comment was removed and reposted above. Any further comments, irrelevant or inflammatory regarding the topic presented here will be deleted.

Sun Aug 07, 07:44:00 am  
Blogger Barefoot Jewess said...

Esther,

Someone once asked me, would I have stayed Jewish if I had been born Jewish. In all honesty, I said, probably not, if it meant growing up in the same family. I imagine you grew up in a loving family, so that no matter what the hardships are in remaining devotedly Jewish, you have the strength to persist. It shows in your words- I imagine a very hard won decision, with a lot of ambivalence. It should be so much easier! Heh.

When you say, "common ground", does that mean that a secular Jew would do? Even if you were to meet a non-Jew like my friend? I realise this is too much of an either-or, that things are more complex than that. It's like having to choose Judaism or the Jewish people.

I admire your discipline and restraint in not dating non-Jews. That's a lot of temptation to forego. Reminds me a little of the blogger who is still shomer negiah. I guess we all have personal lines we choose not to cross. Especially after holding to them for such a long time.

Tue Aug 09, 08:45:00 am  
Blogger nehamashira said...

It was besheret that I found your post. There are many out there with Jewish souls who inhabit non-Jewish bodies. What is more important- the vessel, or what the vessel contains?

Thu Oct 02, 01:01:00 pm  

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