Jewish Intermarriage

I think the title is stark. I wanted something more provocative, as if the title weren't provocative enough. Or bleak. Or a dirty pairing of words.

Halachah (Jewish religious law) dictates that one Jew can only marry another Jew, and only if both Jews are halachically legitimate. This means that, in one interpretation, most Orthodox Jews cannot marry a non-Orthodox convert, because O rabbis do not recognise the legitimacy of non-O rabbis. A halachically legitimate Jew is one who was born to a Jewish mother, and also means an Orthodox Jewish convert; yet it also means a Conservative convert, yet one who would not be recognised by most of Orthodoxy (thanks to their rabbis); while a Reform convert, usually would not be recognised by the other two movements. Marriage and conversion seem to be seminal signposts for Jewish identity and "survival".

Where faith and religion fit, is another question. Amazing, if you think about it, since Jewishness is based on Torah, which sounds a wee leetle bit, like a religious thing. And yet, it seems that often, the idea of religion takes a back seat to bigotry (via Jewlicious). Or perhaps devotion to a Jewish G-d doesn't matter, as much as your pedigree.

I think that this is the dilemma. There are Jews who just want to ensure the survival of the Jewish people. And there are Jews who want to connect "religiously". And there are Jews who just want to connect religiously. Of course, there are always the Jews who don't want to connect on any terms but their own.

Regarding, "religiosity". The former want to connect with the rules, and the latter want to connect with faith, where belief is integral.

I place myself in the latter category. I keep wondering, what would it take, for a man to attract me? A beshert. A friend. Would it suffice, if he were a dyed in the wool, got the papers, Jew, who never or infrequently goes to shul and rarely gives tzedakah? And even if he did, would that be enough? What about the Jew who doesn't care about shul but gives generously to the community? What about the Jew who does not see his Jewishness as more than a nonsensical, huh?...label?

As a female, I am privileged because my babes would be Jewish (for argument's sake). Actually, I am waiting for the day that the Conservative movement finds a halachic interpretation that renders all Jewish males, Jewish progenitors. Meanwhile...

I was thinking about my closest friend, L. She is not Jewish. I think she has a Buddhist soul.

When I roomed with her, given that the space was hers, this is what happened, with her blessing: I slapped a mezuzah on the doorway; there was Jewish art on the wall; my rather copious set of Jewish books resided on a living room cabinet. I brought in people who needed a place to rest for Yom Kippur during the break. She knew where I went and what I did, Jewishly, and we talked about it. She attended shiurim (classes) along with me, as well as community dinners. She was at my Beit Din, and she watched me dance with the Torah.

I lit Shabbat candles, and she chanted the English. We went to synagogue together on many Friday nights. She didn't attend on Saturdays but she drove me to morning minyan, waking at 6 am to do it, an awakening that normally would kill her. On the festivals, she was there to witness the blessings. She recognised the importance. I remember Chanukah especially, because we would say the blessings and watch the candles flame in the face of the Christmas lights over there. She kept my dessicated lulav and etrog, and the case I carried the former in.

She watched me chant Torah for the very first time. She read the prayers for my mikvah immersions to help in healing me from terrible trauma. She placed her hand on the sofer's hand in beginning the scribing of a new Torah scroll. What a cool moment!!! She bought me the most gorgeous tallit for my birthday.

When we speak about my personal issues, she is the one who puts a Jewish spin on it, and sometimes it irks me to hell. For many Shabbats, we sat on the balcony reading Torah-like stuff. She drove me to all J events. She made sure I was there on time. She joined me in some. When I needed to do chesed, she helped me. At temple, L was considered a part of it all. More than one person came up to her and asked her why she didn't convert to Judaism, cause they thought of her as so much a Jew.

Okay, a religious Jew, but clearly not in the halachic DNA. It was more than just love. She was interested, involved. It all did something for her. It mattered.

Yet I can marry a born Jew, who couldn't give a flying leap about being Jewish, or the guy who doesn't even know what it means to be a Jew (and I have met them). And I can convert according to the religious aspect and marry a Jew who couldn't care less about the religious aspect and Torah and no one has to know, and some who couldn't care less about Jewish survival. Or I can meet the Jew who loves Torah and Judaism for its own sake, as I do. I figure that's pretty rare.

I can be blessed with the likes of my beloved friend, L, who understands and somehow is involved. It reminds me of X, who was married to A for several years before he was moved to convert. What helped convert him? A man who now is a dynamic force in the synagogue, bringing Jews closer to the Torah? His daughter, who was raised Jewishly, fiercely so, and whom he later marked as an impetus for his conversion- "when I look at you I know there is a G-d".

So, what does it come down to? The halachic Jew, from no matter what stream, who meets the criteria, or the person of faithfulness and understanding- I know it sounds so Christian. I also do know that, Z, and her husband Anth, also embody that anomalous mix, just like L and me. Ask her: Matzah and Marinara.

Bottom line, I find myself saying, I would take the person of faithfulness who can relate. Period. Because some people are more Torah-like in their living than born Jews, even "religious" Jews. And, yeah, that does matter.